For years, I've been utterly obsessed with Copeland. From the first time I heard Testing the Strong ones, I was hooked. And over the years, I have only grown fonder of them. In particular, the song When Finally Set Free stood out to me, connected with me on some deeper, more intimate level. In the year that I spent at Stephen F. Austin, which many of you know was a very difficult time for me, this song spoke to the depths of my being. Of course in the lyrics, it's obvious as to why it would be a good song for the hard times that I was going through, but it's so much more than that. And I didn't even come to realize why or how until about two months ago.
Over the years, I've been through a lot. From my relationship with Travis, to Bob, to Jameson, to Justin, to Tony... Transferring from Stephen F Austin to Texas State, the last place I had initially wanted to end up. Friends walking in and out of my life (and quite easily, I might add). It was a lot for me to go through, for my heart to go through. Not even fully realizing that all along the way my heart was constantly being attacked, being hurt, being pierced over and over again. And typically, we just sweep it under the rug, push it to the back of our minds where it belongs, keep it from interfering with our "moving on." I know I did, and I know that I did it so flawlessly that I didn't realize I had done it at all. Until this year. Until a few months ago. God started opening my heart to see these things. Of course I knew I'd been injured, but I wasn't fully aware that these injuries remained. That I needed to address them. To actually explore these wounds and let Christ heal them. It's what he came to do. To offer us new life. To offer us a full life (John 10:10). To make our hearts as perfect as new. Why is it that we neglect this heart that He values so much? Why do we just disregard it as "no big deal" whenever it gets hurt? It is a big deal. And it does matter to our Creator.
Satan attacks, and he attacks ruthlessly. He attacks with purpose, with strategy. He finds your weakness, pinpoints it out, and uses those around us to destroy using that weakness. How did he attack me? He attacked my worth. He told me that I'm not worth it. Over and over again. Until I believed it. Now, I'm not going to go through the guys that I've dated and bash them to pieces, but I will say that those guys were the number one tool Satan used to get me to believe this, and that's probably the case for most girls. They weren't and aren't bad guys in the least bit. But each of them, at some point or another, made me feel completely worthless. My varsity volleyball coach made me feel worthless (thus why I gave up, I believed it). Through the "friends" I've met over the years, the ones that came and went, I've been sent the message that I wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth the effort to keep in touch with or get to know on a deeper level.
Again, I didn't see all of these as attacks. These past months, I've been really focused on preparing myself. Preparing for my career, for my mission and calling, for my future husband, for being a continuous light to the people around me. This preparation all begins with the heart (as I've said in a previous blog, it is our core, our center, our wellspring of life). And through the studies I've been doing and sermons I've been listening to over the months, this is where preparation begins: healing our heart. And me being completely oblivious to the effect of the deep scars that had accumulated over the years, thinking that they were "no big deal," that these were events that I just had to go through to get where I am, I had quite a bit to deal with. No big deal? What a lie. What a trap to fall into. These were attacks. Not "things that just happen." This is war. This infuriating, exhausting, hurtful spiritual war we're facing each and every day is Satan's doing. He does whatever it takes to keep us from finding the relationship with God that we were created to have. He goes straight for the heart. The place we find our emotions and understanding, where we experience intimacy, where we find God's design in us.
When my eyes were finally opened to this reality, I began to see the broken pieces of me that were in desperate need of healing. And this healing only comes from one place.
"...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor."
-Isaiah 61:1-3
Christ came to be the healer, "to bind up the brokenhearted," to be the Way. If we want to find our Way, we have to go to the heart, to the core of our being. I don't care what wounds lie there, you have to get to them, to explore them, to be vulnerable to the healing power found in our Savior. He will make beauty from the ashes. You will be used to display the splendor of the Lord.
I vividly remember being at work one Saturday when it all finally hit me. I was reading Waking the Dead (which I would recommend anyone and everyone read), and it finally occurred to me, "This is why this song has meant so much to me. This is why this is my song." When Finally Set Free. God used this song for me in a way I didn't even comprehend. It completely blew my mind how God used this to reveal Himself to me. And over the course of so many years. It wasn't like it just happened over a few days, weeks, or months... but years. He used this song to touch the depths of me that I didn't even realize were crying out, screaming desperately for His healing. He used it to show me how He was there every step of the way, even if I didn't feel it. He was there, holding me, holding my heart. Satan has attacked me, but Christ is restoring me every day. He's preparing me and using me to display His glory.
Here's the lyrics to the song, but I really encourage you to listen to it. Just use the link at the bottom.
Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again
Well if you would shine your love down here oh
Make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here oh
I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you
http://s0.ilike.com/play#Copeland:When+Finally+Set+Free:69863:s42381755.11153190.20089023.0.2.36%2Cstd_3729d5aaf7404b799cd8a2a1ee972c0d
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