Forbidden Fruit

Temptation. Our desires for ungodly things, for worldly things. Something we constantly deal with. Something we have to resist. Another battle for us every day. And it's a battle we must be prepared for, or we're going to get sucked right in.

Where does temptation stem from? Why would we possibly want something that God clearly does not want for our lives? Why would we choose defeat? The answer is quite simply our doubts. Any trace of doubt creates temptation, thus I am only tempted as long as my unbelief remains. We have unbelieving hearts. This never-ending fight against my unbelief is getting exhausting - my heart is growing weak, and temptation is knocking at my door.

Oh the joys of being tempted - and giving into it despite your best efforts. We're faced with temptation on a daily basis. It can be as simple as telling a white lie or gossiping. Or it can be much more complex and involved. Either way, it creeps up here and there and sometimes we're prepared, but other times, we cave, we crumble, and we surrender to it.

Satan loves to watch us fall. He loves to twist our thoughts and desires and make our temptations so attractive, so irresistible. Usually, all it takes is a peek and we're goners. Satan knows our weaknesses and he targets them with all of his might, anything to draw us from the heart of God. He also focuses our attention on things that are forbidden to us, taking our sights off the many blessings God has bestowed upon us. He makes us feel like God is holding out on us, keeping something from us. Something we have a "right" to. (How naive) He tears our guards and defenses down, leaving us completely open and vulnerable in the critical places. The places he knows we will give into the easiest.

Look at it from the very beginning, the very first temptation - Satan vs. Eve. Satan takes her focus off the rest of the garden - her perfect shalom - and keeps it solely on the one thing she "cannot" have. (I put it in quotes because we do have the choice)

"...he asked the woman, 'Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?'
'Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,' the woman replied. 'It's only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat...'"
-Genesis 3:1-3

He focuses our sights on the forbidden fruit. And I'm like, "Good grief Eve, LOOK AT THE REST OF THE GARDEN, YOU IDIOT! YOU HAVE PERFECT SHALOM!" Lord knows how badly I want to know what shalom looks like, feels like, tastes like. I just want to go back and have an intervention here. Punch her in the face, you know.

"'You won't die!' the serpent replied to the woman. 'God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.'"

Satan makes her feel like eating the fruit God has told her not to eat isn't wrong, that in fact it would be good for her, benefiting her. He also says, "God is holding out on you." God is keeping something from you, and that's just not fair.

"The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and she ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too."
-Genesis 3:4-6

That's it? The woman was convinced?! God makes you a perfect world, a world that knows no sin, and you have doubts that He has your best interest in mind? You are a fool! An absolute fool! (Can you sense how infuriated I am?) Then I take a second to reflect, and I realize, I'm just like her. It really is that easy to convince me, too. Because I don't believe you, God. That statement somehow lingers in our hearts.

So, Eve falters. She looks, takes, eats, and then gives it to Adam. And you know how the story goes on for the rest of us. We fight the battle. And are hearts are tired - so tired - of fighting against these temptations. In our weaknesses, we surrender, knowing how it will also end up for us.

So I sit here, faced with my temptation, my weakness, contemplating how to deal with it. "What do I do?"

First of all, put on God's armor. He did not give us Ephesians 6:13 merely to provide a pretty word picture of a medieval knight.

"Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."
-Ephesians 6:13-18

I need to start arming myself, putting on God's armor daily. I must pray for strength, for God's strength to overcome my weakness to temptation. (And not only for myself, but for all believers. We're all faced with temptation and we're all in this together.)

Additionally, do not chase after temptation. Do not even wander near it. Take precautions. Preventative control. The solution to my particular situation is actually quite simple - run. Like Joseph did in Genesis 39:10-12, sometimes we must take off in the opposite direction.

"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts."
-2 Timothy 2:22

So why am I not doing so? Knowing all of this, why do I step closer and closer to the fire that is luring me to my defeat? Why is my heart like that of Lot? The heart that creeps closer and closer to sin, that settles right next to Sodom (Genesis 13:10)? The heart that wants to taste. The heart that is completely vulnerable to temptation. Why don't I believe you, God? Why do I doubt that you know what is best for me? This is where the real struggle lies. In every temptation and every sin, our struggle lies in that piece of us that does not believe. In times of temptation, we must believe. He knows what's best. And we have to trust that. Believe it.

I need to run. Run as Joseph ran from Pharaoh's wife. Run straight to the arms of my Father, not looking back. Run to His protection from my weakness - let Him be my strength. I need to believe Him.

Yet, I just stand here... looking at and admiring the deadly fruit, fixated on it, deepening my already irresistible desire for it, my unbelief taking over. I am open. I am vulnerable.

Lord, please, help me move.

LOST

Do you ever find yourself completely lost? Like you just wake up one day and wonder what the heck you're doing here and, even more, where are you going? Perhaps it's merely mundane-ness of the day-to-day, or you're striving in your career, or your heart just aches for something you can't quite put your finger on. For me, I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I'm done with school, but I've yet to really start my career. I want to just take off and move to Seattle, but I'm too worried about how I'm going to pay off student loans to take such a great risk. My heart feels weary all of the time. I have all of these desires - to go on a mission trip, to find a great job that I love, to serve the Lord - and I feel like it's so hopeless sometimes. I'm somewhere in between, stuck in the middle, of preparing for my life and actually starting it. I feel lost. What am I doing here?

And that's really the question that needs answering, isn't it? What am I doing here? You see, I'm so caught up in, "I'll be happy when..." (finish the sentence yourself) that I've failed to consider, "Why have you put me here God? What is my purpose in where I'm at right now?" I'm so focused on the things I don't have, the things that await me in my future that I've neglected the purpose God has in mind for me for the here and now. It may sound absurd that God has a reason for you being exactly where you are right now, in every single moment of your day, but He does.

I often forget my reason for being - my purpose for being in this world. And losing sight of that purpose causes an immediate and overwhelming doubt. I've been utterly consumed by this doubt and discouragement lately.

I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes, a book in the Bible written by Solomon which serves as a warning to us of searching for meaning in the this world, apart from God. We're here for God, but we're constantly trying to find our meaning in this world. When we find that it is meaningless, that's when we wake up feeling lost. Finding our meaning in this world is pointless, "like chasing the wind." Our meaning and purpose is found in Him and Him alone.

Yes, we "press on to reach the end of the race and receive the Heavenly prize for which God is calling us" (Phil 3:13-14), but we must "run with purpose in every step" (1 Cor 9:26) of that race. That means, right now, right here, in the mundane of the day-to-day, in the midst of all your striving, when you feel you're stuck in the middle, God has a purpose.

"God has made everything beautiful for its own time." (Ecc 3:11)

"The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." (Ps 37:23)

Not only the "big" things, the details. God doesn't neglect the small things. He delights in them.

So, God, why am I here right now? What are you wanting from me in this moment?

NEGLECT

My room at my apartment is an absolute disaster right now. Clothes thrown everywhere, dust collecting on my dresser, my bed left unmade, laundry piling up. A likely condition resulting from complete neglect. I got home from Missouri last Sunday night and had to stop by my apartment on my way to my parents' house. I deliberately avoided opening the door to my room, knowing what would I'd be faced with if I opened it. What I needed to pick up was sitting in my living room on the coffee table. I quickly grabbed what I needed, locked up, and left. Maybe I should also disclose that I stayed at my parents' house all but one night the week before.

I can't help but feel that there's something more beneath the surface of my current situation.

Doesn't this very much describe how we often deal with things in our lives? How we deal with issues in our hearts, in our families, in our friendships, in our relationships? We know there's a mess. We know it needs to be cleaned up and dealt with, but we also know that it's going to take more than a simple "quick fix". It's going to take time. It's going to take some investment and who has the time or energy at the end of the day to invest in such "petty" things? "We're so tired," "We're so busy," or "It's no big deal." It's Satan's foothold and it certainly is a big deal. Give him that foothold and you'll watch things fall apart. Either in a heartbeat or very slowly. I just finished with finals. I work full-time. I'm figuring out my future, since I just graduated. I had my trip to Missouri. Cleaning my room was the last of my worries. It was a wreck. But no worries, I'll just go stay at my parents' house in my clean room so I don't have to face it. I'll just patch up the issue and deal with it later. Just run away.

What's it going to take to get me to walk into the room and say, "Okay, I'm ready to overcome. I'm ready to deal with this. I'm ready to fix this." How far out-of-hand will I let it get before I'm "ready"? How long do I go on pretending there's not an issue at all. A disagreement with a friend, dissonance in your heart, bitterness toward a once close loved one, your relationship with God. Whatever it is you've swept under the rug.

It's sad to say that we too often let things get beyond repair. (And of course I say that to mean beyond human repair, because I wholeheartedly believe nothing is impossible for my Savior - Luke 18:27) How often to we merely give up on repairing and dealing with things rather than calling on Jesus for strength, for guidance, for healing?

Perhaps sometimes we just feel like it's not worth it. You pretend like you didn't care that much in the first place, and thus you aren't grieved or burdened at all. You even go as far as honestly forgetting the mess is there at all. I leave the door to my room shut, lock up, and walk away. It doesn't make the mess vanish, it just keeps it out of sight. Keeps it tucked away where it won't interfere with your life. But the issue remains until you face it. Sure, it's going to be tough. It may be time consuming, a long process. You aren't in this alone though. God says to come to Him with your mess, all your baggage. When you're finally broken down and torn open, when that mess is too much for you to handle, beyond all human repair, God says that He's your strength, your counselor, your shoulder to cry on, your comfort. "Cast all your cares on me," He says. What's beyond your repair, your strength, your ability, isn't beyond his.

He makes His offering. He opens Himself up for you, extends His hand, but it's up to you to take it. What are you neglecting? What have you let get "beyond repair"? What is your mess?

Maybe it's about time to open that door and face my mess. To finally take His hand and face it, knowing I'm never alone in it.

When Finally Set Free

For years, I've been utterly obsessed with Copeland. From the first time I heard Testing the Strong ones, I was hooked. And over the years, I have only grown fonder of them. In particular, the song When Finally Set Free stood out to me, connected with me on some deeper, more intimate level. In the year that I spent at Stephen F. Austin, which many of you know was a very difficult time for me, this song spoke to the depths of my being. Of course in the lyrics, it's obvious as to why it would be a good song for the hard times that I was going through, but it's so much more than that. And I didn't even come to realize why or how until about two months ago.

Over the years, I've been through a lot. From my relationship with Travis, to Bob, to Jameson, to Justin, to Tony... Transferring from Stephen F Austin to Texas State, the last place I had initially wanted to end up. Friends walking in and out of my life (and quite easily, I might add). It was a lot for me to go through, for my heart to go through. Not even fully realizing that all along the way my heart was constantly being attacked, being hurt, being pierced over and over again. And typically, we just sweep it under the rug, push it to the back of our minds where it belongs, keep it from interfering with our "moving on." I know I did, and I know that I did it so flawlessly that I didn't realize I had done it at all. Until this year. Until a few months ago. God started opening my heart to see these things. Of course I knew I'd been injured, but I wasn't fully aware that these injuries remained. That I needed to address them. To actually explore these wounds and let Christ heal them. It's what he came to do. To offer us new life. To offer us a full life (John 10:10). To make our hearts as perfect as new. Why is it that we neglect this heart that He values so much? Why do we just disregard it as "no big deal" whenever it gets hurt? It is a big deal. And it does matter to our Creator.

Satan attacks, and he attacks ruthlessly. He attacks with purpose, with strategy. He finds your weakness, pinpoints it out, and uses those around us to destroy using that weakness. How did he attack me? He attacked my worth. He told me that I'm not worth it. Over and over again. Until I believed it. Now, I'm not going to go through the guys that I've dated and bash them to pieces, but I will say that those guys were the number one tool Satan used to get me to believe this, and that's probably the case for most girls. They weren't and aren't bad guys in the least bit. But each of them, at some point or another, made me feel completely worthless. My varsity volleyball coach made me feel worthless (thus why I gave up, I believed it). Through the "friends" I've met over the years, the ones that came and went, I've been sent the message that I wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth the effort to keep in touch with or get to know on a deeper level.

Again, I didn't see all of these as attacks. These past months, I've been really focused on preparing myself. Preparing for my career, for my mission and calling, for my future husband, for being a continuous light to the people around me. This preparation all begins with the heart (as I've said in a previous blog, it is our core, our center, our wellspring of life). And through the studies I've been doing and sermons I've been listening to over the months, this is where preparation begins: healing our heart. And me being completely oblivious to the effect of the deep scars that had accumulated over the years, thinking that they were "no big deal," that these were events that I just had to go through to get where I am, I had quite a bit to deal with. No big deal? What a lie. What a trap to fall into. These were attacks. Not "things that just happen." This is war. This infuriating, exhausting, hurtful spiritual war we're facing each and every day is Satan's doing. He does whatever it takes to keep us from finding the relationship with God that we were created to have. He goes straight for the heart. The place we find our emotions and understanding, where we experience intimacy, where we find God's design in us.

When my eyes were finally opened to this reality, I began to see the broken pieces of me that were in desperate need of healing. And this healing only comes from one place.

"...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor."
-Isaiah 61:1-3

Christ came to be the healer, "to bind up the brokenhearted," to be the Way. If we want to find our Way, we have to go to the heart, to the core of our being. I don't care what wounds lie there, you have to get to them, to explore them, to be vulnerable to the healing power found in our Savior. He will make beauty from the ashes. You will be used to display the splendor of the Lord.

I vividly remember being at work one Saturday when it all finally hit me. I was reading Waking the Dead (which I would recommend anyone and everyone read), and it finally occurred to me, "This is why this song has meant so much to me. This is why this is my song." When Finally Set Free. God used this song for me in a way I didn't even comprehend. It completely blew my mind how God used this to reveal Himself to me. And over the course of so many years. It wasn't like it just happened over a few days, weeks, or months... but years. He used this song to touch the depths of me that I didn't even realize were crying out, screaming desperately for His healing. He used it to show me how He was there every step of the way, even if I didn't feel it. He was there, holding me, holding my heart. Satan has attacked me, but Christ is restoring me every day. He's preparing me and using me to display His glory.

Here's the lyrics to the song, but I really encourage you to listen to it. Just use the link at the bottom.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here oh
Make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here oh

I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Copeland:When+Finally+Set+Free:69863:s42381755.11153190.20089023.0.2.36%2Cstd_3729d5aaf7404b799cd8a2a1ee972c0d

FAITH

A few months ago, I was reading through Genesis and I got to the story about Noah and the ark. It's a very well known story, whether or not you believe it to be factual. God tells Noah in chapter 6 that he is to build an ark because God was going to flood the earth. Not only does he tell him to build an ark, he tells him every measurement to use, what and who to take with him, and gives him a time frame. I remember feeling incredibly jealous reading through this then, and I still honestly do. I want these sort of instructions from God. I want him to just tell me, "Brittney, this is exactly what I want you to do ______," and that be it. My calling set right before me.

There is so much more to the story than this though...

Noah was living in a time when the whole earth was filled completely with evil (not much has changed, eh?). But Noah found favor in God's eyes. This favor brings both an overwhelming gratefulness and also a fear. Noah was a faithful servant of his Father. In a world that was overtaken with sinful behavior, Noah kept his eyes on the One, his Creator (not an easy accomplishment, to say the least). He knew the difference between wise and unwise choices, eternal and temporary choices. He believed God, thus he found himself in God's favor. Noah's faith is so inspiring. God said there's going to be rain, which had never been heard of to this point, and that He wants Noah to spend a huge part of his life building a massive boat, and Noah basically says... "Okay, whatever You say."

So here I am, insanely jealous that I don't have these detailed instructions for what God is calling me to do right now with my life, with my forever, but now my question is, have I even been listening for it? Am I really even ready to hear it? Would I have the willing and faithful heart that Noah himself had? I'm not so sure. With God's favor comes severe consequences from the world. I can't fathom the years upon years that Noah and his family had to endure persecution from those with faithless hearts. Noah found favor with God with his enduring faith. The belief that God was going to come through for him and that even if what he was doing seemed absolutely insane to the world, he was living for something huge, and he was being faithful to his Father. Do I have this kind of unfaltering faith?

What's even more frustrating is that I feel pulled into different directions. The desires of my heart are conflicting with one another. So, I'm having to sit here and be patient and wait for God to fully reveal what he wants to do with me. Not only that, but I have to continuously work on keeping my heart open to his will, to develop a faithful, doubtless heart. I want a heart that's after God and His will for me, because I know, I believe that it will be better than anything I have planned for myself. Thus, when God speaks to my heart, I'll have the heart of Noah, the heart that says, "Okay God, whatever You say."

The ark is so much more than just a big boat. It's an illustration of such an inspiring faith, the faith of a man who found favor in God's eyes and followed with a willing and undoubtful heart.

What is God calling me do to? Where is my "ark"?

SILENCE

Silence - (n.) absence of any sound or noise; stillness

We rarely encounter silence. Our days are bombarded by noise, and not with resistance either. In fact, the resistance comes when we do come across silence. For whatever reason, silence scares us, makes us insanely uncomfortable. I know that when I'm at my apartment alone, I have to have the tv on or music playing. The only time it's silent is at night when I'm sleeping, and not always then either. I know many people that sleep with music playing because of the uncomfortableness of silence.

Amidst all the chaos, we find ourselves struggling with our purpose and our direction. We strive to be successful in school, in our careers, in our churches, etc. We put up this front that shows the world that we do have direction, we have it all together, we know what's going on. Without a doubt, right? Ha! Right... If you're like me, you go through the motions on a daily basis and then there are moments that creep up on you that bury you with the weight of uncertainty that you've been denying has really been there all along. Never a good feeling. To me, these are reminders from God. Reminders that I am struggling with trust. That I'm trying to do it on my own, to take control, when really, He needs to be the One guiding and directing my life.

But how do we ever know where to go or what to do, if we never take the time to really listen? This can't be more demonstrated than through Elijah's encounter with God. Elijah was told by the Lord to go up the mountain (Mt. Sanai) and on the mountain Elijah encountered a windstorm, "but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." (1 Kings 19:11-13) The Lord was beyond all of the commotion of the occurring events. God's voice was a gentle whisper in the silence, and Elijah's ears were alert, they were ready, they wanted God's voice and understanding so much.

I struggle so much with not listening enough. I think we all do. We all desire this direction from God, but we never give Him the time of day to show us.

In reaction to reading about Elijah, Rachael and I went for a drive in silence one night. We've actually done it a couple of times now. The first time, the silence was overwhelming. It was peaceful and uncomfortable at the same time. It was hard not to talk. It was hard not to have music in the background. Only the sound of the road under the tires. By the end of it, we both talked about how it made us feel. The initial uncomfortableness and then the peace we found in it (a very weird combination, I must say). The second time we did this, it wasn't complete silence. I threw on This Will Destroy You very quietly in the background. I was seeking a specific answer about something from God. So we were silent for a long stretch and I was really trying to let God open my heart to what he was trying to tell me. By the end of it, I was given my answer, my peace. I was satisfied.

Everyone listened to my advice.
They were silent as they waited for me to speak.
And after I spoke, they had nothing to add,
for my counsel satisfied them.
-Job 29:21-22

This realization about silence and how essential it is to our lives reminded me of this Blindside song. It's one of my favorite songs by them. You should definitely check it out; I've included the lyrics here as well. One of my favorite parts is, "I believe in silence our hearts speak the same words." To me, that just shows how God reveals His answers to you. He gives your heart the understanding it longs for.

"SILENCE"
They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up.
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light, how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

Alert and Oriented Times Zero

If you look up synonyms for the word 'heart' a thesaurus will respond with words like spirit, compassion, sensitivity, and tenderness. What it will also say is center and core. Nothing can better describe the heart than these two words. Our hearts are our center, our core. Who we are.

"My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
Don't lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart
for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life."
-Proverbs 4:20-23

Other translations say, "...for it is the wellspring of life." The wellspring, the source, the fountainhead, the origin of life. Our hearts are our core. They are vital to our being, to our purpose. The heart is the source of our emotions, and more importantly, our understanding. Our hearts are our eyes, or at least they were designed to be. What the world has done to us, what the Dark Power has done to us is put a veil over the eyes of our hearts. This veil blinds us to the understanding of who we are called to be, the purpose we are called to serve, and the glory of the Lord we could see if we only saw with our hearts.

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance."
-Ephesians 1:18

We live in a dark-covered world. A world that is overwhelmed by Satan and those who fight on his behalf. Our hearts have been so burned, so marred, so scarred, and ripped to pieces by this world. Things occur every day that cause us to lose our heart, to lose our center, to mangle our core. To corrupt our "wellspring of life." That's the bad news, and thank God for the good news because without it, we'd be quite frankly screwed.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These words were written by Paul, a man who experienced more suffering than I can even fathom. And he kept heart. It is quite embarrassing and shameful how we have become so discouraged with our struggles and Paul maintained such incredible endurance during his. Not to mention, these struggles aren't even worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us in the end. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." This is how we keep from losing heart. We see with the heart. (as in Eph 1:18) Not with the facts and logic that have come to rule over mankind, but with the heart that God has given us, has designed in us.

God created our hearts with such a perfect, flawless design. Of course, we all know that story of what happened with that. Nevertheless, it was formed with perfection. In the design of our hearts, God put pieces of himself into it. He has given each of us pieces of Himself so we are graciously granted the opportunity to surpass the theories and reasoning of this world to actually find the core, the heart of who we are and in result, understand who He is. Can we ever fully understand Him? Heck no! But it's incredible to know that he crafted His own image in us, in our core to give us this unique understanding.

I have been reading Captivating with my small group and it has opened my eyes to so much that I did not see. It is a book written about the feminine heart and God's special design of it. The desires that we possess as women directly reflect God's desires of people. The desire of relationship, of being pursued, of being cherished. God so deeply wants these things from us. He wants relationship with us. He wants to be pursued by us. And he wants to be cherished by us. These desires are so prominently illustrated in the feminine heart. While the world has twisted these desires, I am no longer ashamed to admit that I, too, have these desires. I have always been an independent person and I have greatly admired women that took initiative to achieve such strong, independent lives. Not that I don't admire them anymore, but I certainly see them in a different light. I now see these women and think of how much they're missing the point. Why are they ignoring the true desires that are instilled deep within their hearts?

Throughout my relationships, I have been the needy girlfriend, and I have been the completely independent girlfriend, neither of which produced a good and healthy relationship. After being the "too needy" girlfriend, my heart was so wrecked that I shot to the opposite end of the spectrum and remained closed off to anyone that I dated, to prevent myself from being overwhelming. This, as it turned out, was equally as frustrating to the person I was dating. I am also pursuing a business degree and I am constantly surrounded by strong, assertive women. It is highly encouraged for women to pursue their own careers, which I am fully supportive of, but at the same time, this typically causes women to forget about and neglect these longings that we have. I am not trying to get into a discussion of women and their purpose in the world or the Ephesians 5:22 scripture, so I will stop there and simply say that I am merely using these as examples of how our hearts have been hurt and shaped by the world.

Our hearts have strayed extremely far from their original design, and thus our lives have strayed extremely far from their original design. Their perfect design. It is so saddening to think about really. For so long, I have been alert and oriented times zero, an expression used to describe a person that has lost all levels of consciousness; they have lost their identity. All this person is aware of is the mere fact that they exist and nothing more. In Waking the Dead, John Eldredge refers to this to describe our own state. We walk around completely unaware of our purpose. Without understanding of who we are. But we have a hope. While this world has been covered with darkness, we were given such an amazing gift in Christ.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
For he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
That the blind will see,
That the oppressed will be set free..."
-Luke 4:18

The Lord is everywhere, and we would see that if we only opened the eyes of our heart. We really need to learn to see with our hearts, to understand with our hearts, to receive understanding from the Father. If we could, if we would, we'd come to know His perfect will for our lives. Our hearts are His dwelling place; this is where we find our understanding, our purpose.