NEGLECT

My room at my apartment is an absolute disaster right now. Clothes thrown everywhere, dust collecting on my dresser, my bed left unmade, laundry piling up. A likely condition resulting from complete neglect. I got home from Missouri last Sunday night and had to stop by my apartment on my way to my parents' house. I deliberately avoided opening the door to my room, knowing what would I'd be faced with if I opened it. What I needed to pick up was sitting in my living room on the coffee table. I quickly grabbed what I needed, locked up, and left. Maybe I should also disclose that I stayed at my parents' house all but one night the week before.

I can't help but feel that there's something more beneath the surface of my current situation.

Doesn't this very much describe how we often deal with things in our lives? How we deal with issues in our hearts, in our families, in our friendships, in our relationships? We know there's a mess. We know it needs to be cleaned up and dealt with, but we also know that it's going to take more than a simple "quick fix". It's going to take time. It's going to take some investment and who has the time or energy at the end of the day to invest in such "petty" things? "We're so tired," "We're so busy," or "It's no big deal." It's Satan's foothold and it certainly is a big deal. Give him that foothold and you'll watch things fall apart. Either in a heartbeat or very slowly. I just finished with finals. I work full-time. I'm figuring out my future, since I just graduated. I had my trip to Missouri. Cleaning my room was the last of my worries. It was a wreck. But no worries, I'll just go stay at my parents' house in my clean room so I don't have to face it. I'll just patch up the issue and deal with it later. Just run away.

What's it going to take to get me to walk into the room and say, "Okay, I'm ready to overcome. I'm ready to deal with this. I'm ready to fix this." How far out-of-hand will I let it get before I'm "ready"? How long do I go on pretending there's not an issue at all. A disagreement with a friend, dissonance in your heart, bitterness toward a once close loved one, your relationship with God. Whatever it is you've swept under the rug.

It's sad to say that we too often let things get beyond repair. (And of course I say that to mean beyond human repair, because I wholeheartedly believe nothing is impossible for my Savior - Luke 18:27) How often to we merely give up on repairing and dealing with things rather than calling on Jesus for strength, for guidance, for healing?

Perhaps sometimes we just feel like it's not worth it. You pretend like you didn't care that much in the first place, and thus you aren't grieved or burdened at all. You even go as far as honestly forgetting the mess is there at all. I leave the door to my room shut, lock up, and walk away. It doesn't make the mess vanish, it just keeps it out of sight. Keeps it tucked away where it won't interfere with your life. But the issue remains until you face it. Sure, it's going to be tough. It may be time consuming, a long process. You aren't in this alone though. God says to come to Him with your mess, all your baggage. When you're finally broken down and torn open, when that mess is too much for you to handle, beyond all human repair, God says that He's your strength, your counselor, your shoulder to cry on, your comfort. "Cast all your cares on me," He says. What's beyond your repair, your strength, your ability, isn't beyond his.

He makes His offering. He opens Himself up for you, extends His hand, but it's up to you to take it. What are you neglecting? What have you let get "beyond repair"? What is your mess?

Maybe it's about time to open that door and face my mess. To finally take His hand and face it, knowing I'm never alone in it.

When Finally Set Free

For years, I've been utterly obsessed with Copeland. From the first time I heard Testing the Strong ones, I was hooked. And over the years, I have only grown fonder of them. In particular, the song When Finally Set Free stood out to me, connected with me on some deeper, more intimate level. In the year that I spent at Stephen F. Austin, which many of you know was a very difficult time for me, this song spoke to the depths of my being. Of course in the lyrics, it's obvious as to why it would be a good song for the hard times that I was going through, but it's so much more than that. And I didn't even come to realize why or how until about two months ago.

Over the years, I've been through a lot. From my relationship with Travis, to Bob, to Jameson, to Justin, to Tony... Transferring from Stephen F Austin to Texas State, the last place I had initially wanted to end up. Friends walking in and out of my life (and quite easily, I might add). It was a lot for me to go through, for my heart to go through. Not even fully realizing that all along the way my heart was constantly being attacked, being hurt, being pierced over and over again. And typically, we just sweep it under the rug, push it to the back of our minds where it belongs, keep it from interfering with our "moving on." I know I did, and I know that I did it so flawlessly that I didn't realize I had done it at all. Until this year. Until a few months ago. God started opening my heart to see these things. Of course I knew I'd been injured, but I wasn't fully aware that these injuries remained. That I needed to address them. To actually explore these wounds and let Christ heal them. It's what he came to do. To offer us new life. To offer us a full life (John 10:10). To make our hearts as perfect as new. Why is it that we neglect this heart that He values so much? Why do we just disregard it as "no big deal" whenever it gets hurt? It is a big deal. And it does matter to our Creator.

Satan attacks, and he attacks ruthlessly. He attacks with purpose, with strategy. He finds your weakness, pinpoints it out, and uses those around us to destroy using that weakness. How did he attack me? He attacked my worth. He told me that I'm not worth it. Over and over again. Until I believed it. Now, I'm not going to go through the guys that I've dated and bash them to pieces, but I will say that those guys were the number one tool Satan used to get me to believe this, and that's probably the case for most girls. They weren't and aren't bad guys in the least bit. But each of them, at some point or another, made me feel completely worthless. My varsity volleyball coach made me feel worthless (thus why I gave up, I believed it). Through the "friends" I've met over the years, the ones that came and went, I've been sent the message that I wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth the effort to keep in touch with or get to know on a deeper level.

Again, I didn't see all of these as attacks. These past months, I've been really focused on preparing myself. Preparing for my career, for my mission and calling, for my future husband, for being a continuous light to the people around me. This preparation all begins with the heart (as I've said in a previous blog, it is our core, our center, our wellspring of life). And through the studies I've been doing and sermons I've been listening to over the months, this is where preparation begins: healing our heart. And me being completely oblivious to the effect of the deep scars that had accumulated over the years, thinking that they were "no big deal," that these were events that I just had to go through to get where I am, I had quite a bit to deal with. No big deal? What a lie. What a trap to fall into. These were attacks. Not "things that just happen." This is war. This infuriating, exhausting, hurtful spiritual war we're facing each and every day is Satan's doing. He does whatever it takes to keep us from finding the relationship with God that we were created to have. He goes straight for the heart. The place we find our emotions and understanding, where we experience intimacy, where we find God's design in us.

When my eyes were finally opened to this reality, I began to see the broken pieces of me that were in desperate need of healing. And this healing only comes from one place.

"...He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor."
-Isaiah 61:1-3

Christ came to be the healer, "to bind up the brokenhearted," to be the Way. If we want to find our Way, we have to go to the heart, to the core of our being. I don't care what wounds lie there, you have to get to them, to explore them, to be vulnerable to the healing power found in our Savior. He will make beauty from the ashes. You will be used to display the splendor of the Lord.

I vividly remember being at work one Saturday when it all finally hit me. I was reading Waking the Dead (which I would recommend anyone and everyone read), and it finally occurred to me, "This is why this song has meant so much to me. This is why this is my song." When Finally Set Free. God used this song for me in a way I didn't even comprehend. It completely blew my mind how God used this to reveal Himself to me. And over the course of so many years. It wasn't like it just happened over a few days, weeks, or months... but years. He used this song to touch the depths of me that I didn't even realize were crying out, screaming desperately for His healing. He used it to show me how He was there every step of the way, even if I didn't feel it. He was there, holding me, holding my heart. Satan has attacked me, but Christ is restoring me every day. He's preparing me and using me to display His glory.

Here's the lyrics to the song, but I really encourage you to listen to it. Just use the link at the bottom.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here oh
Make our hearts as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here oh

I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise we'll reflect it right back at you

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Copeland:When+Finally+Set+Free:69863:s42381755.11153190.20089023.0.2.36%2Cstd_3729d5aaf7404b799cd8a2a1ee972c0d

FAITH

A few months ago, I was reading through Genesis and I got to the story about Noah and the ark. It's a very well known story, whether or not you believe it to be factual. God tells Noah in chapter 6 that he is to build an ark because God was going to flood the earth. Not only does he tell him to build an ark, he tells him every measurement to use, what and who to take with him, and gives him a time frame. I remember feeling incredibly jealous reading through this then, and I still honestly do. I want these sort of instructions from God. I want him to just tell me, "Brittney, this is exactly what I want you to do ______," and that be it. My calling set right before me.

There is so much more to the story than this though...

Noah was living in a time when the whole earth was filled completely with evil (not much has changed, eh?). But Noah found favor in God's eyes. This favor brings both an overwhelming gratefulness and also a fear. Noah was a faithful servant of his Father. In a world that was overtaken with sinful behavior, Noah kept his eyes on the One, his Creator (not an easy accomplishment, to say the least). He knew the difference between wise and unwise choices, eternal and temporary choices. He believed God, thus he found himself in God's favor. Noah's faith is so inspiring. God said there's going to be rain, which had never been heard of to this point, and that He wants Noah to spend a huge part of his life building a massive boat, and Noah basically says... "Okay, whatever You say."

So here I am, insanely jealous that I don't have these detailed instructions for what God is calling me to do right now with my life, with my forever, but now my question is, have I even been listening for it? Am I really even ready to hear it? Would I have the willing and faithful heart that Noah himself had? I'm not so sure. With God's favor comes severe consequences from the world. I can't fathom the years upon years that Noah and his family had to endure persecution from those with faithless hearts. Noah found favor with God with his enduring faith. The belief that God was going to come through for him and that even if what he was doing seemed absolutely insane to the world, he was living for something huge, and he was being faithful to his Father. Do I have this kind of unfaltering faith?

What's even more frustrating is that I feel pulled into different directions. The desires of my heart are conflicting with one another. So, I'm having to sit here and be patient and wait for God to fully reveal what he wants to do with me. Not only that, but I have to continuously work on keeping my heart open to his will, to develop a faithful, doubtless heart. I want a heart that's after God and His will for me, because I know, I believe that it will be better than anything I have planned for myself. Thus, when God speaks to my heart, I'll have the heart of Noah, the heart that says, "Okay God, whatever You say."

The ark is so much more than just a big boat. It's an illustration of such an inspiring faith, the faith of a man who found favor in God's eyes and followed with a willing and undoubtful heart.

What is God calling me do to? Where is my "ark"?

SILENCE

Silence - (n.) absence of any sound or noise; stillness

We rarely encounter silence. Our days are bombarded by noise, and not with resistance either. In fact, the resistance comes when we do come across silence. For whatever reason, silence scares us, makes us insanely uncomfortable. I know that when I'm at my apartment alone, I have to have the tv on or music playing. The only time it's silent is at night when I'm sleeping, and not always then either. I know many people that sleep with music playing because of the uncomfortableness of silence.

Amidst all the chaos, we find ourselves struggling with our purpose and our direction. We strive to be successful in school, in our careers, in our churches, etc. We put up this front that shows the world that we do have direction, we have it all together, we know what's going on. Without a doubt, right? Ha! Right... If you're like me, you go through the motions on a daily basis and then there are moments that creep up on you that bury you with the weight of uncertainty that you've been denying has really been there all along. Never a good feeling. To me, these are reminders from God. Reminders that I am struggling with trust. That I'm trying to do it on my own, to take control, when really, He needs to be the One guiding and directing my life.

But how do we ever know where to go or what to do, if we never take the time to really listen? This can't be more demonstrated than through Elijah's encounter with God. Elijah was told by the Lord to go up the mountain (Mt. Sanai) and on the mountain Elijah encountered a windstorm, "but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." (1 Kings 19:11-13) The Lord was beyond all of the commotion of the occurring events. God's voice was a gentle whisper in the silence, and Elijah's ears were alert, they were ready, they wanted God's voice and understanding so much.

I struggle so much with not listening enough. I think we all do. We all desire this direction from God, but we never give Him the time of day to show us.

In reaction to reading about Elijah, Rachael and I went for a drive in silence one night. We've actually done it a couple of times now. The first time, the silence was overwhelming. It was peaceful and uncomfortable at the same time. It was hard not to talk. It was hard not to have music in the background. Only the sound of the road under the tires. By the end of it, we both talked about how it made us feel. The initial uncomfortableness and then the peace we found in it (a very weird combination, I must say). The second time we did this, it wasn't complete silence. I threw on This Will Destroy You very quietly in the background. I was seeking a specific answer about something from God. So we were silent for a long stretch and I was really trying to let God open my heart to what he was trying to tell me. By the end of it, I was given my answer, my peace. I was satisfied.

Everyone listened to my advice.
They were silent as they waited for me to speak.
And after I spoke, they had nothing to add,
for my counsel satisfied them.
-Job 29:21-22

This realization about silence and how essential it is to our lives reminded me of this Blindside song. It's one of my favorite songs by them. You should definitely check it out; I've included the lyrics here as well. One of my favorite parts is, "I believe in silence our hearts speak the same words." To me, that just shows how God reveals His answers to you. He gives your heart the understanding it longs for.

"SILENCE"
They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up.
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light, how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

Alert and Oriented Times Zero

If you look up synonyms for the word 'heart' a thesaurus will respond with words like spirit, compassion, sensitivity, and tenderness. What it will also say is center and core. Nothing can better describe the heart than these two words. Our hearts are our center, our core. Who we are.

"My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
Don't lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart
for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life."
-Proverbs 4:20-23

Other translations say, "...for it is the wellspring of life." The wellspring, the source, the fountainhead, the origin of life. Our hearts are our core. They are vital to our being, to our purpose. The heart is the source of our emotions, and more importantly, our understanding. Our hearts are our eyes, or at least they were designed to be. What the world has done to us, what the Dark Power has done to us is put a veil over the eyes of our hearts. This veil blinds us to the understanding of who we are called to be, the purpose we are called to serve, and the glory of the Lord we could see if we only saw with our hearts.

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance."
-Ephesians 1:18

We live in a dark-covered world. A world that is overwhelmed by Satan and those who fight on his behalf. Our hearts have been so burned, so marred, so scarred, and ripped to pieces by this world. Things occur every day that cause us to lose our heart, to lose our center, to mangle our core. To corrupt our "wellspring of life." That's the bad news, and thank God for the good news because without it, we'd be quite frankly screwed.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These words were written by Paul, a man who experienced more suffering than I can even fathom. And he kept heart. It is quite embarrassing and shameful how we have become so discouraged with our struggles and Paul maintained such incredible endurance during his. Not to mention, these struggles aren't even worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us in the end. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." This is how we keep from losing heart. We see with the heart. (as in Eph 1:18) Not with the facts and logic that have come to rule over mankind, but with the heart that God has given us, has designed in us.

God created our hearts with such a perfect, flawless design. Of course, we all know that story of what happened with that. Nevertheless, it was formed with perfection. In the design of our hearts, God put pieces of himself into it. He has given each of us pieces of Himself so we are graciously granted the opportunity to surpass the theories and reasoning of this world to actually find the core, the heart of who we are and in result, understand who He is. Can we ever fully understand Him? Heck no! But it's incredible to know that he crafted His own image in us, in our core to give us this unique understanding.

I have been reading Captivating with my small group and it has opened my eyes to so much that I did not see. It is a book written about the feminine heart and God's special design of it. The desires that we possess as women directly reflect God's desires of people. The desire of relationship, of being pursued, of being cherished. God so deeply wants these things from us. He wants relationship with us. He wants to be pursued by us. And he wants to be cherished by us. These desires are so prominently illustrated in the feminine heart. While the world has twisted these desires, I am no longer ashamed to admit that I, too, have these desires. I have always been an independent person and I have greatly admired women that took initiative to achieve such strong, independent lives. Not that I don't admire them anymore, but I certainly see them in a different light. I now see these women and think of how much they're missing the point. Why are they ignoring the true desires that are instilled deep within their hearts?

Throughout my relationships, I have been the needy girlfriend, and I have been the completely independent girlfriend, neither of which produced a good and healthy relationship. After being the "too needy" girlfriend, my heart was so wrecked that I shot to the opposite end of the spectrum and remained closed off to anyone that I dated, to prevent myself from being overwhelming. This, as it turned out, was equally as frustrating to the person I was dating. I am also pursuing a business degree and I am constantly surrounded by strong, assertive women. It is highly encouraged for women to pursue their own careers, which I am fully supportive of, but at the same time, this typically causes women to forget about and neglect these longings that we have. I am not trying to get into a discussion of women and their purpose in the world or the Ephesians 5:22 scripture, so I will stop there and simply say that I am merely using these as examples of how our hearts have been hurt and shaped by the world.

Our hearts have strayed extremely far from their original design, and thus our lives have strayed extremely far from their original design. Their perfect design. It is so saddening to think about really. For so long, I have been alert and oriented times zero, an expression used to describe a person that has lost all levels of consciousness; they have lost their identity. All this person is aware of is the mere fact that they exist and nothing more. In Waking the Dead, John Eldredge refers to this to describe our own state. We walk around completely unaware of our purpose. Without understanding of who we are. But we have a hope. While this world has been covered with darkness, we were given such an amazing gift in Christ.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
For he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
That the blind will see,
That the oppressed will be set free..."
-Luke 4:18

The Lord is everywhere, and we would see that if we only opened the eyes of our heart. We really need to learn to see with our hearts, to understand with our hearts, to receive understanding from the Father. If we could, if we would, we'd come to know His perfect will for our lives. Our hearts are His dwelling place; this is where we find our understanding, our purpose.

Insignificant

More often than not, I feel like my impact, my reason for being, my purpose in this world is so small, so forgettable, so insignificant. Like a tiny snowflake in the midst of a blizzard, a grain of sand along the beach. A lot of the time, we can't help but feel this way. When we get caught up in the day-to-day, caught up in the short-sightedness of the world, it's easy to feel like you're not making some huge difference, like there is no purpose.

"When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-
the moon and the stars you have set in place-
what are mortals that you should think of us,
mere humans that you should care for us?
For you made us only a little lower than God,
and you crowned us with glory and honor."
-Psalm 8:3-5

We are so unworthy of the Father's love and affection, but he takes notice of us. He took notice of us long before our days here on earth. He knew we would be exactly where we are right at this moment. Even more, He had a purpose for having us right where we are at this moment. He had a purpose for each an every one of us when he created man.

"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them."
-Genesis 1:27

Knowing we were created in His image, that our passions, our desires, our souls, our very beings were designed in likeness to Him is insanely incredible. Unfathomable, actually. I don't think that our hearts truly grasp this concept, and I don't know that they ever will. But knowing this, how could we ever possibly feel insignificant? Unimportant? God surely isn't unimportant, nor insignificant. Our merciful Father has shown us the greatest kindess, and in return, we live our lives for Him, to bring glory to Him. Your purpose is a great purpose.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

He has plans for us, a purpose for us. Pursue Him, fall in love with Him (how could you honestly not?), He will make His plans clear to you. Bring glory to His name, and do it whole-heartedly. You will achieve what He has in store for you, and what more could you ask for? What is more significant than this?

I don't know if you're familiar with Rob Bell, but I love the impact he's making in this world. From his books, to his seminars, to his videos, the Lord is really using him. In one of his videos I was watching, he pointed out that God created animals and gave them the ability to create. He made humans and also gave them the ability to create. Essentially, He left the world unfinished. Therefore, we are all a part of the on-going creation of the world. You are a part of the on-going creation of the world. You're not insignificant.

With Everything

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, [with everything], as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
-Colossians 3:23-24

This tattoo means the world to me. It is a constant reminder to praise God with everything. With everything I have, with everything I do, with everything that is in me. For the things that I do and the things that I have are not for the people of this world, or for myself, it's all for Him and should be done and given whole heartedly.

This tattoo is also bold when I am not. When this light inside of me is not shining brightly, He can use this to bring out that light in me. He can use it to present opportunities for me and to show people who I live for, who my life belongs to. This life is such an amazing gift from Him, how could we not give it back? There is so much joy in giving your life to Him with everything. It's absolutely incredible. This tattoo reminds me of that on a daily basis. Like I said, it means the world to me.


Oh praise the one who paid my debt
and raised this life up from the dead.