SILENCE

Silence - (n.) absence of any sound or noise; stillness

We rarely encounter silence. Our days are bombarded by noise, and not with resistance either. In fact, the resistance comes when we do come across silence. For whatever reason, silence scares us, makes us insanely uncomfortable. I know that when I'm at my apartment alone, I have to have the tv on or music playing. The only time it's silent is at night when I'm sleeping, and not always then either. I know many people that sleep with music playing because of the uncomfortableness of silence.

Amidst all the chaos, we find ourselves struggling with our purpose and our direction. We strive to be successful in school, in our careers, in our churches, etc. We put up this front that shows the world that we do have direction, we have it all together, we know what's going on. Without a doubt, right? Ha! Right... If you're like me, you go through the motions on a daily basis and then there are moments that creep up on you that bury you with the weight of uncertainty that you've been denying has really been there all along. Never a good feeling. To me, these are reminders from God. Reminders that I am struggling with trust. That I'm trying to do it on my own, to take control, when really, He needs to be the One guiding and directing my life.

But how do we ever know where to go or what to do, if we never take the time to really listen? This can't be more demonstrated than through Elijah's encounter with God. Elijah was told by the Lord to go up the mountain (Mt. Sanai) and on the mountain Elijah encountered a windstorm, "but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." (1 Kings 19:11-13) The Lord was beyond all of the commotion of the occurring events. God's voice was a gentle whisper in the silence, and Elijah's ears were alert, they were ready, they wanted God's voice and understanding so much.

I struggle so much with not listening enough. I think we all do. We all desire this direction from God, but we never give Him the time of day to show us.

In reaction to reading about Elijah, Rachael and I went for a drive in silence one night. We've actually done it a couple of times now. The first time, the silence was overwhelming. It was peaceful and uncomfortable at the same time. It was hard not to talk. It was hard not to have music in the background. Only the sound of the road under the tires. By the end of it, we both talked about how it made us feel. The initial uncomfortableness and then the peace we found in it (a very weird combination, I must say). The second time we did this, it wasn't complete silence. I threw on This Will Destroy You very quietly in the background. I was seeking a specific answer about something from God. So we were silent for a long stretch and I was really trying to let God open my heart to what he was trying to tell me. By the end of it, I was given my answer, my peace. I was satisfied.

Everyone listened to my advice.
They were silent as they waited for me to speak.
And after I spoke, they had nothing to add,
for my counsel satisfied them.
-Job 29:21-22

This realization about silence and how essential it is to our lives reminded me of this Blindside song. It's one of my favorite songs by them. You should definitely check it out; I've included the lyrics here as well. One of my favorite parts is, "I believe in silence our hearts speak the same words." To me, that just shows how God reveals His answers to you. He gives your heart the understanding it longs for.

"SILENCE"
They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.
They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up.
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light, how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

Alert and Oriented Times Zero

If you look up synonyms for the word 'heart' a thesaurus will respond with words like spirit, compassion, sensitivity, and tenderness. What it will also say is center and core. Nothing can better describe the heart than these two words. Our hearts are our center, our core. Who we are.

"My child, pay attention to what I say.
Listen carefully to my words.
Don't lose sight of them.
Let them penetrate deep into your heart
for they bring life to those who find them,
and healing to their whole body.
Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life."
-Proverbs 4:20-23

Other translations say, "...for it is the wellspring of life." The wellspring, the source, the fountainhead, the origin of life. Our hearts are our core. They are vital to our being, to our purpose. The heart is the source of our emotions, and more importantly, our understanding. Our hearts are our eyes, or at least they were designed to be. What the world has done to us, what the Dark Power has done to us is put a veil over the eyes of our hearts. This veil blinds us to the understanding of who we are called to be, the purpose we are called to serve, and the glory of the Lord we could see if we only saw with our hearts.

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance."
-Ephesians 1:18

We live in a dark-covered world. A world that is overwhelmed by Satan and those who fight on his behalf. Our hearts have been so burned, so marred, so scarred, and ripped to pieces by this world. Things occur every day that cause us to lose our heart, to lose our center, to mangle our core. To corrupt our "wellspring of life." That's the bad news, and thank God for the good news because without it, we'd be quite frankly screwed.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

These words were written by Paul, a man who experienced more suffering than I can even fathom. And he kept heart. It is quite embarrassing and shameful how we have become so discouraged with our struggles and Paul maintained such incredible endurance during his. Not to mention, these struggles aren't even worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed to us in the end. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen." This is how we keep from losing heart. We see with the heart. (as in Eph 1:18) Not with the facts and logic that have come to rule over mankind, but with the heart that God has given us, has designed in us.

God created our hearts with such a perfect, flawless design. Of course, we all know that story of what happened with that. Nevertheless, it was formed with perfection. In the design of our hearts, God put pieces of himself into it. He has given each of us pieces of Himself so we are graciously granted the opportunity to surpass the theories and reasoning of this world to actually find the core, the heart of who we are and in result, understand who He is. Can we ever fully understand Him? Heck no! But it's incredible to know that he crafted His own image in us, in our core to give us this unique understanding.

I have been reading Captivating with my small group and it has opened my eyes to so much that I did not see. It is a book written about the feminine heart and God's special design of it. The desires that we possess as women directly reflect God's desires of people. The desire of relationship, of being pursued, of being cherished. God so deeply wants these things from us. He wants relationship with us. He wants to be pursued by us. And he wants to be cherished by us. These desires are so prominently illustrated in the feminine heart. While the world has twisted these desires, I am no longer ashamed to admit that I, too, have these desires. I have always been an independent person and I have greatly admired women that took initiative to achieve such strong, independent lives. Not that I don't admire them anymore, but I certainly see them in a different light. I now see these women and think of how much they're missing the point. Why are they ignoring the true desires that are instilled deep within their hearts?

Throughout my relationships, I have been the needy girlfriend, and I have been the completely independent girlfriend, neither of which produced a good and healthy relationship. After being the "too needy" girlfriend, my heart was so wrecked that I shot to the opposite end of the spectrum and remained closed off to anyone that I dated, to prevent myself from being overwhelming. This, as it turned out, was equally as frustrating to the person I was dating. I am also pursuing a business degree and I am constantly surrounded by strong, assertive women. It is highly encouraged for women to pursue their own careers, which I am fully supportive of, but at the same time, this typically causes women to forget about and neglect these longings that we have. I am not trying to get into a discussion of women and their purpose in the world or the Ephesians 5:22 scripture, so I will stop there and simply say that I am merely using these as examples of how our hearts have been hurt and shaped by the world.

Our hearts have strayed extremely far from their original design, and thus our lives have strayed extremely far from their original design. Their perfect design. It is so saddening to think about really. For so long, I have been alert and oriented times zero, an expression used to describe a person that has lost all levels of consciousness; they have lost their identity. All this person is aware of is the mere fact that they exist and nothing more. In Waking the Dead, John Eldredge refers to this to describe our own state. We walk around completely unaware of our purpose. Without understanding of who we are. But we have a hope. While this world has been covered with darkness, we were given such an amazing gift in Christ.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
For he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released,
That the blind will see,
That the oppressed will be set free..."
-Luke 4:18

The Lord is everywhere, and we would see that if we only opened the eyes of our heart. We really need to learn to see with our hearts, to understand with our hearts, to receive understanding from the Father. If we could, if we would, we'd come to know His perfect will for our lives. Our hearts are His dwelling place; this is where we find our understanding, our purpose.

Insignificant

More often than not, I feel like my impact, my reason for being, my purpose in this world is so small, so forgettable, so insignificant. Like a tiny snowflake in the midst of a blizzard, a grain of sand along the beach. A lot of the time, we can't help but feel this way. When we get caught up in the day-to-day, caught up in the short-sightedness of the world, it's easy to feel like you're not making some huge difference, like there is no purpose.

"When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers-
the moon and the stars you have set in place-
what are mortals that you should think of us,
mere humans that you should care for us?
For you made us only a little lower than God,
and you crowned us with glory and honor."
-Psalm 8:3-5

We are so unworthy of the Father's love and affection, but he takes notice of us. He took notice of us long before our days here on earth. He knew we would be exactly where we are right at this moment. Even more, He had a purpose for having us right where we are at this moment. He had a purpose for each an every one of us when he created man.

"So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them."
-Genesis 1:27

Knowing we were created in His image, that our passions, our desires, our souls, our very beings were designed in likeness to Him is insanely incredible. Unfathomable, actually. I don't think that our hearts truly grasp this concept, and I don't know that they ever will. But knowing this, how could we ever possibly feel insignificant? Unimportant? God surely isn't unimportant, nor insignificant. Our merciful Father has shown us the greatest kindess, and in return, we live our lives for Him, to bring glory to Him. Your purpose is a great purpose.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
-Jeremiah 29:11

He has plans for us, a purpose for us. Pursue Him, fall in love with Him (how could you honestly not?), He will make His plans clear to you. Bring glory to His name, and do it whole-heartedly. You will achieve what He has in store for you, and what more could you ask for? What is more significant than this?

I don't know if you're familiar with Rob Bell, but I love the impact he's making in this world. From his books, to his seminars, to his videos, the Lord is really using him. In one of his videos I was watching, he pointed out that God created animals and gave them the ability to create. He made humans and also gave them the ability to create. Essentially, He left the world unfinished. Therefore, we are all a part of the on-going creation of the world. You are a part of the on-going creation of the world. You're not insignificant.

With Everything

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, [with everything], as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
-Colossians 3:23-24

This tattoo means the world to me. It is a constant reminder to praise God with everything. With everything I have, with everything I do, with everything that is in me. For the things that I do and the things that I have are not for the people of this world, or for myself, it's all for Him and should be done and given whole heartedly.

This tattoo is also bold when I am not. When this light inside of me is not shining brightly, He can use this to bring out that light in me. He can use it to present opportunities for me and to show people who I live for, who my life belongs to. This life is such an amazing gift from Him, how could we not give it back? There is so much joy in giving your life to Him with everything. It's absolutely incredible. This tattoo reminds me of that on a daily basis. Like I said, it means the world to me.


Oh praise the one who paid my debt
and raised this life up from the dead.

Transformation

CHANGE

Change - (v.) to transform or convert

What do we think of when we hear the word change?

A lot of us tend to think some pretty negative thoughts, and rightfully so. Going through life, we experience change time and time again, and needless to say, it isn't always pleasant. Many times it rips us right out of our comfort bubbles and tosses us in the midst of something we've never before encountered.

Regardless, it's just one of those things that is inevitable as we move forward.The key though, is to keep moving forward and quit running away from it. Running doesn't make it stop, in case you haven't figured that much out.

This year, for me, is going to be a year of change. I spent New Year's in the car on my way back from Colorado (which was incredible beyond belief) and I thought over the possibilities of the coming 12 months. It's my last semester at Texas State, my last 6 months in San Marcos, time to look for a new job in my career field, etc. I even came out of a relationship at the start of the year. My best friend and I have been working on a study in becoming the women that Christ has called us to be. There is significant transformation to be done there. Of course it is going to be a year of change.

At my church, we've also been going through a series on change. It has been such an encouragement to me, as I was coming into this year with these intentions. The thing is, change takes risk. It is uncertain what a change will bring. What we can rest assured in though is that God has our best interest in mind, and when He's leading that change, it will greatly benefit us.

"I am Yours, Do what you wish. I am Yours, I am Yours and I know this. Whatever happens next is in Your hands, in Your plans, and nothing less." -The Rocket Summer

I hear those lyrics and I can't help but feel them stirring up this indescribable joy, this passion in my heart. To surrender yourself like that to the Lord, to give your everything to Him, it's such an amazing, scary, incredible thing. No, you don't know where He's taking you all of the time, or why, but what you can trust is that He knows and when you're following Him, you're bringing glory to Him and praising Him in the greatest way possible. And to trust that what is happening to you and inside of you is in His plan for you, and nothing less. That is amazing.

"And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2

So if this is "truly the way to worship Him," what are we waiting for? What do you need to change? What are you scared of? Why aren't you pursuing Him with everything you have? Be transformed by the Lord. Be who He has created you to be. Change - no longer conforming to the people of this world and their unholy ways.

"For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image." -2 Corinthians 3:17-18

To me, it is crazy to think that through the right changes, we are made more and more like Him. What more could you want? To know God's will, to become the person He created you to be. Personally... I am STOKED!

Be Still...

So,it's been a while. I have been going nonstop, even after finals it didn't stop: Christmas shopping, family activities, Colorado trip, etc. Things seem to all happen at once and as it's all happening, it's very hard to see all the details of the precious seconds that are incessantly flying by. I really do my best to savor time, to cherish moments, but I always seem to get mixed up in all that's happening around me everyday. I keep a journal so I have time to reflect in my life and look back on different experiences, but even so, I find myself going an entire month without writing in it. It's ridiculous, really. All of this rushing around that we do, all of this worrying we do, all of this pressure we feel to live up to the world's standards. I find myself so wrapped up in it all that I always seem to forget what I'm really here for. I hate that about myself, and I know I'm not on my own in that on going battle. As a college student who also works full time and is active in my church, I empathize with those that have a chaotic life. I know how overwhelming it can be when you don't have a peaceful moment for weeks on end. Why is it that the one place we can receive that peace from tends to linger to the bottom of our priorities?

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need." -Matthew 6:33

So if God is going to supply all of our needs, why do we so easily get caught up in the day-to-day? Why do we fret over every circumstance that creeps onto our path? The uncertainty of my future is what gets to me the most. Just thinking the word "future" creates this intricate chain of thoughts that inevitably consumes my head and results in maddening worry.

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?" -Matthew 6:27

I'm undoubtedly a huge worrier. I find myself always worrying about one thing or another. And if there's nothing to worry about, I worry about not having anything to worry about, as if I'm being negligent. Funny thing is, everything always seems to fall into place. There's not a time that I can think of where things have not fallen into place, that have not worked out for the better. So, why? Why the heck to I worry?

The second I asked Christ into my heart, I turned over the reigns, I gave up control, so why do I think I can just take back that control? Why do I even want to? Where is my trust, my faith? Last night, my best friend and I went to Austin Stone, and the message was so powerful to me. The scripture included Hebrews 3:1-4:13. What it boiled down to was that the very core of every sin is unbelief. I personally had never had that perspective on sin. Sin is terrible, yes, but seeing it as unbelief put a different meaning to it. Unbelief that our Father, our Creator, doesn't have it under control, that He doesn't know what's best for us.

Of course, I already knew worrying is a sin and I've been working on it for a good while now. I also knew that I needed to trust God during those times that I get so overwhelmed with worry, but I'd never fully grasped that I wasn't believing in Him and His promises to me. This not only applies to worrying, but to all sin. God's Word is full of His promises for us, and they will be fulfilled.

That's what happens when you get caught up in this world and get too busy for what really matters. You take your focus off of Him, off of what you're here for and you attempt to take control of things for yourself. Then, when they start slipping away, you worry. You freak the heck out! Why must we do this to ourselves, over and over again?

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10



Incidentally, I'm very excited for this new year that I've been blessed with and what it has to offer. There are going to be so many changes in my life, so many opportunities. I'm graduating in May, moving in July, kicking off my career, etc. I can't wait to see what He has in store :]

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

As Perfect As New

As you may have noticed, this blog entry is titled the same as my URL. Clearly, this phrase means a lot to me. Actually, it means everything. It means, that no matter what I do, what I screw up, what I make a mess of, what I do that surely does not bring glory to my Father's name... it is okay. More than okay, it is as perfect as new. This is the incredible freedom we were given. The purity that was restored. The cleanliness that will forever remain.

So this is my way of starting over, in a sense. Starting new. I have a past; things that I've been admired for, things I'm infinitely shameful of. We all have this sort of past, I'm sure. But the truth is, we don't have to live with this past.

"...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." - Phil 3:13-14

In His eyes, we're no longer unclean. So the only thing holding us back, holding us hostage to our wrongdoings, is ourselves. Over this past year, this has been one of my greatest struggles. Forgetting my past, putting my focus on looking forward to what lies ahead in my future. Through friends and family, my church and small group at BSM, God has certainly shown me His grace and mercy.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Gal. 2:20

So as I continue to grow, I want to be an encouragement, a light to those who are lost, who are struggling, who don't understand. I want to use my life to glorify God's name. I want other's to see His love in me and all the joy it brings. I want them to understand why I have the faith that I have. And I hope this blog will help me in that purpose.